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What is the Rite of Passage all about?

Some modern men and women like to scoff at the notion of the ‘becoming a man,’ as if it just happens by itself with ageing.

But others have a deep sense of knowing that this is not the case. Certainly, I have encountered men of all ages who admit to still not really feeling like they had crossed fully into a landed manhood. I have encountered many women who also sense this about the men in their lives.

Our ancient ancestors knew this was not the case: they knew that ejaculating and menstruating were not synonymous ‘rites of passage’ at puberty; the one for the female, deeply embodying; and for the male, the epitome of disembodying.

This picture is full of men. They rest in mystery.

The birth process for the mother is similarly deeply embodying… but the babe to the father? Separate in comparison to the natural bond experienced by women.

The adult, native, natural human is a deeply embodied, intense creature. So, how to bring boys and boy-men into an embodiment of the unique aspects and energies of the male, when its’ undeveloped ‘electrically charged’ nature was prone to fly about all over the place?

The boy and ‘camp/town man’ had only really been around women and other camp men. They had never been to The Edge of what was known: to learn the skills to face The Unknown and to reap the fruits of what can come from facing the dark-seeming gaps in between the known and the void of not knowing.

The edge of ourselves and our personal known world is the only place male initiation has ever taken place. Of course women are also initiated by the unknown, but for women, it is about things happening to her, felt in her body.

Menstruation just happens. She doesn’t ‘do it’ – it is done to her, and she must ride it as a regular Rite. Pregnancy and childbirth just happens in the same way – she doesn’t ‘do it’. It is done to her. She must ride it as the Rite as so beautifully demonstrated in the work by the inestimable Ina May Gaskin over thousands of births.

But the male is initiated in completely different fashion – he must learn to do things WITH his body and mind. It is not done to them. If they do nothing, nothing will happen: there will be no deepening and crossing over into the field of ‘man’.

The disembodying energies of maleness drive young men into their passionate, objective obsessions in a grasping pursuit of sensations. These pursuits can be so ‘desperate and loud’ that men miss the deeper realm of ‘feeling’ life invites us all into all the time, which is ungrasping, at ease and settled in comparison.

There truly is a knowing field of ‘feeling and being a man’ that lies on the other side of the scoffs and jokes of the boy-men and women, and when men even begin to inhabit it, everything in their lives change, because they are truly changing (often with a internal relieved…’at last!’), and those in their lives feel it.

Deep levels of self-assurance, trust and capacity begin to emerge and, from my experience of watching this bloom in men over the years of this work, it is a truly unspeakable treasure and pleasure to bear witness to as men claim their uniqueness and power in new ways.

But the tales we receive of these old Rites is that of shocking trial or ordeal. My experience has shown me that is not a fair assessment, like an observer that doesn’t know what a participant in something is truly experiencing. This serves only to put men off skill-and-capacity gaining Rites for fear of shaming and exposure in some way, or of simply unnecessary trial.

In the same way, women are put off and ill prepared for the childbirth rite by the observation of the discomfort of the woman giving birth, not realising that, as Ina May Gaskin demonstrated, that Rite can be prepared for, and, if done well, the woman can ride that rite, with some experiencing literal orgasmic births. A far cry from the screams and idea of ‘being torn apart’ we get from the media.

The Rite of Passage is not about ordeal, but learning practical skills and ways to face the Unknown, in the world and oneself. It is a far cry from a chance to be exposed, but a chance to know oneself more deeply after meeting mystery: to be welcomed into the world of the male; with new understandings imparted; new practical skills cultivated; and new ways of connecting shared; the Mysteries of the Male that can only be found at the Edge.

I have seen that for men, actions which an observer might deem as testing or unpleasant, to be fomenting of an indescribable ecstasy as natural flows blocked by prejudice and trauma find a healthy way to move.

Not a competition, but the end of competition. Not a place to compete and be tested against others, but to compete and be tested with each other, to strengthen our knowledge, skills & experience, alone and together, where our inexpertness can be held kindly, because, as we all know, the world has very little tolerance for unskillful masculinity.

This masculine Charge that courses through men can be as destructive as lightning when undeveloped, but skilful, cultivated, generous masculinity is a force for life, goodness and safety, as it always has been. Cultivating a skilful, positive masculinity in ourselves and others is something that benefits all. This is certainly what motivate me.

A Rite of Passage of some kind is essential for men to truly feel a man, for his boyish responses to the world and the others in it to fade and integrate into something very different. But the journey to know the unknown and the male depths to full manhood is not a ‘one trick wonder’ – the male must face the unknown, the edge, again and again and again to bring back from the fruits from the darkness of mystery itself to anchor his fullness.

Men can self initiate this – of that there is no doubt, and men do it all the time. One of the points in our Rites of Passage is to enable you to spot and cultivate the senses that you are facing such an opportunity, on many levels, in your every day. Life presents us with such all the time and we aim to empower and enable you to be able to grasp such with ever increasing skills in the practical, personal and interpersonal arenas.

These opportunities come from life itself, just as the opportunity to initiate happens to women, with the result in the case of childbirth being ‘out in the world’, the male is offered opportunities all the time, but it’s from ‘out in the world’ around him, with the result being within his body and being.

And, when approached in the right fashion, each kind of rite in the unknown, each skill deepened, takes us further, deeper and longer into our own mysteries, with greater and greater fruits to be known, about ourselves, the world and each other.

But this notion that a ‘single rite’ makes a man a man is a flawed measure. The single rite is like a driving lesson/test into male qualities and useful skills. And so many men come from a rite and forget to keep self-initiating, keep going to their own new edges.

In a way, believing we don’t need Rites, or have already ‘been there, done it’ gives us an excuse to keep playing games with ourselves, our dear ones, and our lives, not realising the impact on the potential of all these things – their own potential, that of their relationships and their very lives.

Next thing you know…decades have passed, and life is not where we would wish…countless checked out, given up, slump shouldered, addicted, workaholic or suicidal men are testament to the suffering that can happen by a lack of healthy and progressive identity as a man in the world.

The fact that suicide is the number ONE cause of death in men under 50 on our island should be telling us something is deeply wrong with how men are received, welcomed and supported.

This is what I and my team seek to offer at our events and in my sessions – a warm yet testing, revealing and equipping welcome into the world as a male in whole new ways, to enable you to really start to enjoy yourself more deeply, and to Take Charge of your self, world and relationships in whole new ways.

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Men become ‘men’ not through ‘just being in a body for x years’, but by facing the Unknown : mystery itself… within them, and around them.

Through the fearful seeming-dark and veils of not-knowing: holes and voids can begin to be filled; strengths, skills and powers found; knowledge and insight uncovered; and old, old wounds can start to seal their tears.

Our activities tap deep into the ancestral and gender powers within and around you, and allow you to access the reserves of the ancient male within you: from the human, to those of the stupendous mammal within that will boost you at your deepest and quietest levels, giving you new ground to face the world.

We’re not here to please and pander, but to empower, empathise, equip and enable you to face the challenges of manhood, of your life, your relationships, our people and our times in whole new ways.

These natural, native rites and practices are not done in this way anywhere else in our lands, and they bring new levels of knowing confidence, connectedness, groundedness and trusting in your own resilience and capacity to navigate your life, masculinity and relationships, and the increasingly complex world that surrounds us.

There is also the valuable opportunity to discover quality connections of meaningful depth with other men who seek to enhance themselves.

If you are looking for something genuinely fresh in the field of understanding what it is to be a man, in the arena of relationships, and in the terrain of male connection…you’ve landed in the right place.

For me, this is what I find the most beautiful and rewarding, and certainly seems to be why some brothers keep coming back, the magic of Gender Mystery continues to bring them gifts…

Relationships & (dis)Connections

Analysing and understanding what’s really going on within any relationship, whether it’s characterised by conflict, uncertainty, or even disconnection. Whether at work or home; up or down hierarchy; with the spouse, kids or friends; professional or domestic; singles or couples: positive change is assured.

Taking Charge & Leadership

Rapidly redefine what this even means. Develop and deploy highly effective leadership and management techniques to transform your work dynamics, and the impact you bring. Whether your issue is just within you, or with a team, seniors, or the whole office, you will gain unparalleled insight, the ferrari of leadership tools, and the means to inspire any team, or impress any senior.

Masculinity Issues / Mens issues

Are you struggling to 'feel like a man' in the world these days? Or perhaps you are feeling ashamed or embarrassed about being a man, or for your behaviours or urges. Maybe you have worth issues, hope issues, addiction problems or power issues...or woman trouble. I can help you understand what is going on, and help you move towards overcoming obstacles and blocks to being the man you aspire to be. I can help with any and all mens issues: professional, mental, emotional, physical..or woman trouble... historical or current,

Past Trauma Getting in the Way of Now

Many of us have knots from the past. Trauma either from childhood or past relationships (be they work or personal.) These literal knots from events across our lives get in the way of healthy expression, and healthy experience 'now'. If you have blocks, knots or past trauma getting in the way of you living a vibrant life and expressing yourself healthily now - I can give you the tools to address them, and support you as you apply them.

Presence and Personal Authority

If you feel ineffective or invisible with colleagues or desired partners, and you'd like to not only make more impact, but for it to be REAL presence, not faked behaviour. I can help you to really bring yourself into a space and be noticed, and felt, without being a peacock or a clown.

Purpose and Meaning

If you are feeling lost in your quest for Purpose, or lacking a sense of meaning in your life, I can help. I will work with you to find what I call the Threads of Power in your life that will guide you to your natural potential, power and Purpose. If you already know you Purpose but are struggling in how to bring about the necessary changes, or to 'do it,' get in touch.

Self-Worth or Self-Esteem Issues

At the root of all life is our basic worth, and we seem to be born with a knowledge of it as most of us as young toddlers expressed great exuberance, hope and courageous effort borne of a basic sense of value. Our circumstances can often knock this out of us and leave us unable to find it again. Without a sense of it, it can be difficult to even get up! Let alone feel good consistently. If you have low self esteem or self worth issues, I can help you get yourself on the road to confidence and a true sense of value that will only grow.

Emotional Load & Depression

Are you just on the edge of anger, damaging your relationships? or perhaps you carry a sadness, powerlessness, hopelessness or frustration that you can't seem to get relief from. Maybe your anxious, fearful or just overwhelmed. Maybe you don't even know how you feel because the 'black dog' of depression has you. I can help with any emotional load or overload.

Resilience and Future-Proofing

We live in times of great uncertainty. Many who would otherwise feel comfortable are struggling to adapt or develop a strategy to navigate the years ahead. If you are experiencing anxiety or concerns about the future due to a sense of insecurity or instability in the world, and want to take steps to cultivate a sense of resilience and capacity, I can help.

Sexuality, Sensuality or Gender

If you are experiencing concerns over your sensual or sexual behaviours, or you are confused or uncomfortable around gender and sexuality, I can offer you uniquely effective and powerful support and lifelong tools. This is a speciality of mine and I teach from the little-known Toltec gender system. No matter the issue, behaviour or state of things just now, clarity, understanding and increased capacity lie ahead if we work together.

About Me

I live in Suffolk, England with my wonder-full partner of 13 years, and our 4 lively children. I was born and raised in the Scottish industrial town of Livingston, speckled with significant time on the beautiful, remote Hebridean island of Rhum which, at the time, was a nature reserve without a single car on it (there were only land rovers and VERY rocky roads!). I attended the school there on-and-off over the years where my sisters and I would double the population of the school to 6! This contrast laid the foundations for the work I have pursued for the past 25 years, which has been to cure what I call 'mental disembodiment', where the mind seems disconnected from emotion and from body, a seeming observer, often in conflict with both body and emotion, or dominating them. This appeared to be a side effect of modern abstract education in all but athletes and performers it seemed to me. something I saw as a pandemic around me, and in me I worked hard and had real personal breakthroughs that lead to the work I now offer others. Going way beyond just embodiment, toward integration - of expression, of connection, of relating, of self. The tools I use are unique to me, and universally useful to any, but I pay homage to my years in the Toltec tradition and practises, fusing both American and African lineages in my life. I have been working with these ways for 25 years. I have been teaching for 13. The methods I use are unique, which is why I tend to refer to my testimonials as to their efficacy. And it doesn't matter what walk of life you are in, or what level or stage - these will be new to you, they will work for you, and you will be able to bring change and massive insight with them I now divide my time between client sessions, wild retreats and speaking engagements, in locations around the world, and my family home in Suffolk, England, where I live with my partner and four children. My life is not glamorous, but is nonetheless rich and deeply satisfying, and continues to grow in all of these qualities. Yours can be too.

How I Work

A typical first session with me looks and feels like any other coaching session. Except that it isn’t. I work on problems indirectly, as the session unfolds, to help you see what you haven't yet. We go looking for what I call the Threads of Power in your situations...and always find them.

What I Do Differently

i draw upon 25 years of immersion in ancient Toltec wisdom, a (native ancestral teaching,) as well as my employed & entrepreneurial experience in small and large corporate bodies, in both private and public sector, including 5 years in mental health. I combine all this with my 13 years of teaching and client work to bring unparalleled scope, experience and insight to help with your life challenges.

What Happens?

Situations that previously seemed incomprehensible, become immediately clear. Problems sometimes dissolve there and then, but more commonly, clients are simply shown the first, usually unexpected, step. The results that follow are down to their committed effort.

Other things I can help with

Anger Frustration Unhappiness Loneliness Disconnectedness (from others) Unattractiveness to the complementary sex Powerlessness Worthlessness / inadequacy Resilience / future proofing living with fear Inadequacy Self control Getting mind, emotion and body to work together Confidence Direction and purpose Comfort with limitation Finding one’s place Connecting with others Communication improvement Spiritual or religious growth or crises

Become Yourself

I have two types of client. Those who know their life or relationship goals and want them accelerated.

And those who don’t, and want clarity and direction

About You

My clients come from all walks of life, but all are successful in their own right. From broken homes to silver spoons, and from the new-age to ancient-wisdom. Brisbane, Australia to Tulsa, Oklahoma. The boardroom to the back yard. I’ve worked with entrepreneurs and bankers, mediums and engineers, martial artists and political activists. They have a few things in common: a deep hunger for change in their lives, coupled with the intelligence, and honesty, to do the work necessary to invoke massive upgrades in their lives. If anything in your life is standing in the way of you living fully the life you feel you are meant to: a truly unique & meaningful life ; One of Purpose, Impact, Value and Richness of Connection, then I invite you to apply to work with me

Maybe you’re not happy with your relationships with your partner, boss, employees, colleagues, children, or friends.

Maybe the problem is that you don’t have these relationships at all, and you want them.

Maybe all that’s fine and you want to push to find a deeper purpose, impact or meaning in your life.

Perhaps you feel you can’t be honest and show who you truly are. Perhaps you don’t have anyone to be honest with.

If you feel angry, sad, lonely, despondent or worthless, I can help. If you lack confidence, belief, trust or conviction, I can help.

I can work with anger and frustration, sexuality and sensuality, addictions and body-image issues.

I can also assist with cultivating resilience and direction in the face of a world filled with insecurity and instability.

Even if you have deeper spiritual or esoteric needs that are causing you problem, or religious wounds you can’t seem to clear, I can help with those too.

Heal the past. Cultivate your natural power. Let your potential bloom.

If Not Now, Then When?

How long can you tolerate the status quo? Deep down you know that passivity, while being a choice, is not one that usually leads to an optimal outcome

Destined for Better

Do you know there is more to life than this. That it can be better than this? Do you hunger to do ever more meaningful things, with rewarding connections?

The Wisdom to Stretch

If you know that the fulfilment you seek is only to be found in a place you’ve not yet ventured... ...and you are humble enough to acknowledge you don't know, and driven enough for change to ask for support and guidance...

If this sounds like you, then you are primed to succeed, with my help.

I will walk with you until you have taken significant, effective action in the areas we set out to work on.

whether that’s until you feel powerful, grounded, calm and connected.

or until you have a clear sense of direction, value and purpose.

Or until you’ve shed that load.

No matter the area, it will be until you know what you’re doing, equipped with the tools and techniques to restore yourself whenever you find yourself wavering.

The work I prescribe is rarely easy at first, but it is always impactful, in ways that are not possible to conceive of at the outset.

It’s not for everyone, but for the right people, it’s unparalleled.

Think you might be one of those people?

Podcast links

Healing the connection with the ancestors and positive masculine - Darren Deojee

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZCcMXlWzuts&t=1s

Divine Masculinity - Reconnecting with the Ancestors

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yawvt3A0eOM&t=4s

Darren Deojee - Green Heart Space, All change comes from I the fruit of the ruler

Native not Alternative:
https://worldcouncilforhealth.org/multimedia/darren-deojee-alternative-shifting-to-native/

Better Way Conference Vienna

Alternative Answers: Primary Shapes (2012 – 04:58)